Short Story

left narcissistic home, sick cats, shouldn’t have been born at all. i love them, but i do not know. i’m overall weak and heavy. i think i reached the point where toughening up isn’t working anymore. i don’t know. i can’t. i’m tired. i just want to live a gentle and loving life with my cats and my partner. i’m really tired.

Quezon City, Philippines

left narcissistic home, everything going downhill. all i want is a gentle life.

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Story

i left my narcissistic home 2 months ago. i had friends and partner who helped me mentally and emotionally (1 month rent + deposit needed). i was able to secure a job offer and started training on august 29, 2024. however, i self-terminated because my cats who i brought with me got sick. they were fcov, fcv, and giardiasis positive. not the practical decision for many, but i can’t bear to leave them alone. i visited them not less than 3x a day in the vet clinic where they were confined, always pep talking them to fight through the disease. i reassured them that they weren’t a burden, and that it’s better to show signs early so the vets can observe and give the appropriate treatment. i really cannot bear to lose them. they were genuinely the reason why i held on to life for so long. they’re the reason why i’m giving life a second chance.

i knew the consequences and trade-offs of me leaving that house. i had enough money to last for at least another month but it was eaten up by vet bills. i don’t feel like it’s wasted, i’m just extremely drained. i promised my friends and partner that i won’t be always strong, but i won’t run away from the trust they have given me. i really won’t go back to that household. but, i’m so, so tired. i can’t be honest with them and my partner and to anyone that i have genuinely no will to live. i’m really sorry. it’s not that my circumstance is difficult that’s why i’m so down. even if someone offers me to reincarnate or relive my life wherein everything goes well, i would rather wouldn’t have lived at all. i really wish i wasn’t born. i’m sorry, i really am not built for this life.

i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 and had regular therapy sessions and medications. and even so, the hallucinations, the s-word ideations, and all that came with it continued. my medications’ dosage were adjusted and even changed, but it really wasn’t working. i think it’s really because i genuinely do not have the desire to be born.

i don’t want to be specific about my narcissistic home, but they tick off the boxes on what a narcissistic home is like. i still love them, and i understand that they were children of bad parents thus why they’re like that. as a child, i can empathize. but as their child, i am so full of hurt and anger. i’ve tried all means to make them understand- when we were “happy” and casually talking, but it always ends up in screaming and shouting and aggression.

i’m so tired. and scared. i really am. i’m sorry but this is really just my last resort. all i want is to live a gentle and quiet life with my partner and cats. i love them very much.

i’m scared because i thought leaving home would give me a boost or a turnaround, but i still genuinely do not have a desire to live. it’s so heavy. i really can’t bear this.

i have so much religious trauma. it doesn’t help that i’m in a very religious country. everytime i go out, there are lots of religious things and i always get reminded of my household. i am 50/50 when it comes to the belief of god/the devil himself. i had very strong faith back then, but never got an answered prayer. i even went extreme and tried to “pray” to the devil, but then again, no answered wish. all i wanted was for us, in our household, to have genuine understanding, proper communication, and mutual respect. if it really is true that god do exist, i am extremely angry. if this is karma for not believing in him, i’m still very much angry. why would i be born in this world when i genuinely do not have will to live? why would i be a child to my parents? they are financially comfortable, god should’ve just given them the child who can endure what they do in exchange for that financial security. i still have a lot in mind, but this will just be full on blasphemy. the religious texts, even if we only focus on one idea that god is the creator or everything.. i have a lot of things to say. it doesn’t sit right with me. i really do not like it. i despise it. i’m so tired of it. i’m tired of everything.

my partner is also going through a difficult time right now thus why he cannot help me a lot financially. he’s doing his best. as for my cats, don’t worry. i’m mentally and physically exhausted but i always make sure to feed them and give their medications and supplements on time. also cleaning their litterbox and playing with them for a bit. they’re already at home with me recovering.

 

i don’t know. honestly. i’m just really tired. i’m giving it my all, but life’s always slamming my face to the ground. just when i’m about to lift my face off, it’s just false hope, and then i’ll get slammed back real hard again. i swear i’m doing my best. i’m searching for wfh jobs right now because i need to take care of my cats, but i barely have the energy to construct a formal resume catered to the position. i have already sold the valuables i have, i really am very, very empty. i’m so tired. i’m so tired. all my life before leaving that household, i did my best to please them. it was never enough. i was always wrong. it’s not even a home. i can’t rest. i’m always on fight or flight mode. i think my body’s already giving up on me. mentally, physically, everything. i’m shutting off. but i love my cats. i love my partner. i don’t know. it seems like there’s no place for me. i wasn’t supposed to be here. i really am. it hurts so much. i love my cats, i don’t want to give them away, nor leave my partner. i don’t know. i’m so tired. i never get a breather. i really am tired. it’s so heavy.

i don’t desire anything for myself, i genuinely do. as long as my cats gets the best they deserve- proper diet, needed maintenance for health monitoring and recovery, a safe roof over their head, and be with my partner, that’s all i ever want. but i do not want to hurt them, my cats showed me genuine selfless love. i remember so vividly when i left home, raffi (white cat) who was always noisy when being put in the carrier bag, never made a noise. as if she understands what’s going on. it’s so heavy. i really love them. i want to be with them. i want to move up by i can’t. time is ticking. it sucks. i love them. but i’m really exhausted. i just want my cats and partner to live a gentle and loving life.

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