Story

So I’m new to asking for help this way. But I find that I’m at a place in my life where I’ve nowhere to turn and no idea how to get to where I need to get to, to start to be ok again. I’ll just tell my story with as much pertinent information and being 100% truthful from start to finish of it. So to begin, last year was the worst, hardest, impossibly cruel and unfair, year I’ve ever experienced in my entire life, so far. First incident was actually a series of happenings that began at the end of January 2024 and stopped for now, in May 2024. So I met my ex when I was 13 and he was 14. This month I’ll be 43 and in February he’ll be 44. Just over 4 years ago we reconnected and found ourselves rebuilding a great,amazing friendship. Then it went from amazing to nightmare not long after we got into a romantic relationship. Long story short last year he was released from jail for doing very terrible things to me, and I foolishly allowed him, once again back into my life. Unfortunately, but not unexpected, the violence he unleashed on me became more frequent and much more dangerous. So I did what I had to do to make my world safe, at last for awhile, and I called the police on him. He left me no choice, it’s kicked him out of my home and wanted to have nothing more to do with him. But he continued to get messages through to me, using emails as a last resort to get his threats to me.  Telling me things like I better like never going out. Because he’s waiting out there for me, he was going to pay drug addicts in the neighborhood to assault me, and more along those lines. I gave my statement to the domestic violence detectives a few days after my initial call. He was given 11 new charges/breeches onto his initial charges from the previous year with me. It took awhile but eventually I could breath easy leaving my home because he was located and arrested. Then, because I was not in the right mind space, and I don’t see who these men truly are until they are embedded into my life. I foolishly jumped into a relationship with another bad for me, unkind, controlling, mentally hurtful individual, very quickly. And without getting to really know him until it was to late and he is still, to this day, a bad person that needs to get out and stay out of my life. But he just won’t leave me alone. One of the biggest, unnerving issues with this person is he is the caretaker of our apartment among a few others in the city that my landlord is the owner of. So this is why this terrible man has a master key to all the apartments he oversees. And he should not be allowed to be entrusted with this kind of key as he had come into my apartment on more occasions then I could ever have kept track of.  Have woken up to him in my home flipping out on me, he breaks my stuff. I once woke up with him in bed with me.i know I went to bed alone, told him I didn’t want him to use that key to let himself in whenever he felt like it. And yet to my complete astonishment, my confusion, shock to say the least I awoke with him in  bed with me, I got very rightfully upset, and his excuse was that, he had asked me if he could cuddle wh me and in my sleep according to him I said yes he could. It hasn’t gotten much better since then.  He’s broken stuff. Left my fridge and freezer wide open and threw my bluetooth speaker into the toilet and proceeded to urinate on it. He also is very mentally and verbally abusive.  He’s held me in his steroid filled, muscular vice grip and refused to let me go, a couple of times. I make myself be nice and even still hang out with this awful person out of fear, fear he’ll show up in my home at any moment, fear he’s watching on the security cameras and will flip out on me when I enter the building. Fear of not knowing what’s to come from him next. I force myself to be near someone I know is not good or safe for me. I can’t afford to move, I’ve called the police, nothing happens except he lots his way out of everything. I’m stuck and it’s not fair. And that was just the start of last year for me. Sadly, in december, my mom, my safe haven, the person I beg for in those dark, scary, violent, heart ripping moments. Lost her battle with cancer. Mind you she was the toughest person I ever knew, by far. My mom was given a 2 percent chance at a year at the most, that was about 3 years before she lost that fight. I remember standing in my sister’s backyard, and looking up at my mom on the deck, this was not long after she told me she was sick, and I’ll never forget her words “I just want more time” and wow did she put herself through anything and everything that her one cancer doctor gave her as an option. My mom is the strongest person I’ve ever had the humble honor of knowing. My four siblings and I figured we know when she let the fight she had inside her slip from her focus. It was when the most horrible, what nightmares are made of, unfair, stupid, beyond painful, not sure how I ever come to understand or accept it thing happened. One of my two sons dies, I’m 42 and he was just 22. It’s a long,  disturbing, unbelievable story surrounding his sudden death, that I still don’t even know a bit of the actual truth as to why my child is no longer breathing in this world. I’m so broken, lost, angry, confused, hurting, ache in myself all the time, mad at this cold cruel world I find myself in. I lost my oldest son and my mom less then four months apart from each other. I know that’s just how life goes,  but I’m not sure how I get my brain to understand how my son is not here. It doesn’t want to believe I’ll never hear his voice, hug him, hear him call me mom, say I love you, look at him, or laugh with him, oh that laugh. I can’t even tell you how amazing his laugh was. That’s not supposed to be our story. Mine or his. I know my son is gone, I used my hands to put his ashes in the ground with his dad’s help, next to my dad’s ashes, in a box that his shoes wouldn’t even fit in. A place where when it gets warm enough my mom’s ashes will be joining my dad and Aiden, my boy, half of my heart beat in this world. I’m not going to get into detail here, as the circumstances surrounding his sudden death are still an open investigation. Bottom line, I’m barely ever ok, and I’d like to get to at least a bit ok in my life one day. So here’s where I need help too get to a place where I can begin to heal from all this suffocating, hit you like a freight train or of no where, break you down to your knees sobbing in despair for your child to be given back, even though you know no matter how hard you beg or any bargain you offer to the universe, he’s never coming back. Because you don’t get them back. What I’m needing help with is getting far from this place I used to call home. I need help too start new and heal and stay to deal Auth my trauma and pain and grief and not be trapped in this awful, pushing me to the very edge place I find myself lost in. I need help with moving, renting a place, food, furniture, counseling, starting a small business I can live off of comfortably, eventually. I’d like to pay at least 1.5 to 2 years rent upfront. And bills if any. Gift cards for food, restaurants, online stuff, stores any of that type of stuff, and possibly a bit of a savings in my bank just to keep me going until I’m standing firmly on my feet. Heading down a path too my happy, much more ok, want to live life again future. I need help so badly, I can’t do this, I can’t get there without help. Anything anytime can contribute or suggest is going to be more appreciated then I’ll ever be able to express. I’ll leave you all with this, I thank you for taking the time to read my words, and please help me. Please. Save me from this existence, and help me find a life worth living for once again. Please.