Story

Depression is a sneaky thing, especially when you have always been so good at noticing when others were dealing with it.

I was a successful banker,  single mother of 2 talented girls, homeowner, traveler, a text book upstanding citizen.  My family made it through Covid relatively untouched by death, we got sick but we made it through just fine.  I had even started dating someone.  He lost his mother and our relationship suffered in his grief.  Then one of my best friends since 9th grade died in a car wreck.  Then shortly after that my relationship ended.

I thought I was doing fine managing my loss then my grandpa passed away. That was the first time I can really pinpoint when my depression started.  A few months later my grandma was diagnosed with stomach cancer and they said she had maybe 3 months to live.

I started having my own health problems,  a routine checkup showed severe anemia and I immediately had a blood transfusion and then a series of iron infusions, colonoscopy, scopes, CT scans, etc. trying to find the reason for my blood loss.  I was also experiencing joint inflammation, arthritis like symptoms and weight gain.

I have always been very close to my grandma and grandpa, I lived with them when I was a teenager and I moved less than a quarter mile away from them so I could be there for them.  I quit my job when my grandma was put on hospice, pulling out all of my 401k to live on. I didn’t care what that meant for me, just as long as she had someone there to take care of her, like she had been there to take care of me and my daughters.  I don’t regret doing it, I have those last few months of memories that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

Even though I was trying to do the right thing and put everything into taking care of others, I can now see how deep in my depression I was, honestly I still am. I am actively working on myself now though, I recognize what I have been through and I forgive myself.

During all of that I  lost my house to foreclosure and fell desperately behind on my bills.  I just ignored them, I could not make myself open the envelopes. It’s still hard to open my mail sometimes because I feel so ashamed of where I am in life, after being so successful.  My credit plummeted from 750 to who-knows-what. I know that I can’t seem to get hired anywhere and I’m sure it has to do with my credit score.  Thankfully my grandma left her house to my mom who thankfully has allowed me to live in it rent free. My daughters moved in with my mother, another huge point of shame and fuel for my depression.  They are only across the street thank goodness and I see them everyday.  My youngest is a senior in high school and I can’t even afford to buy her senior pictures.

I am begging for someone to help me, help me catch a break, help me get out of this hole.  I don’t know what I am going to do with Christmas looming and birthdays and bills, its starting to overwhelm me again.  Please help me.