Story

Hi,

I am grateful that you have taken a moment of your time to read my story and my plea. I am a 25 year old girl with a crippling amount of debt due to a number of factors but honestly a lot of poor decisions have been made on my part over the past year or so. At the age of 20 I proudly got a car in my name, and managed to save an amount of 5 figures in my personal savings account. At the time I felt I was in a great place financially and managing my money incredibly well for my age. I was hyper focused on my finances and that helped me get to that point. I soon would go through a series of stressful events – including leaving my perfectly good job for what seemed like a better opportunity, only to end up being an assistant for and managing a business owner’s schedule – only for him to go MIA majority of the time – miss all of his scheduled appointments while leaving me to clean up the mess with his clients. Would mentally/physically abuse his wife in front of the staff…. I quickly became the receiving end of his anger issues and manipulation tactics as well. Obviously I left this job, planning to take a month or two break after dealing with the stress of that job and the environment there – living off of my savings and credit cards in the meantime. I accumulated a small amount of debt, figuring I could easily pay it off once I get back to work soon.  Suddenly category 4 Hurricane Ida comes along and leaves me without electricity for a month in an excessive heat warning in southeast Louisiana. My savings is totally drained as I buy a generator, gasoline and supplies to survive the conditions and destruction that we were subjected to in the aftermath. FEMA was no help. I was under so much stress financially as I realized what I had done to myself after working so hard to have the stability I once had.  But considering the destruction and other stressors in my life, I tried to not think about my finances and let them stress me so much. At this point I was becoming very mentally unstable and impulsive. I soon would get a job working at a casino. Everything went downhill when I was influenced by my surroundings and started to dabble in the world of gambling. I started playing…and winning. It was such a stress reliever. To sit at the machines and spend all of my worries away….for a small moment until I would return home with no money and then the only thing I could think about was money and gambling again. This began and a long, shameful, destructive and at times unbearable journey for me. A dollar sitting in my checking or savings would not be safe from me. Everything I won I spent it all back. I never had any real cash money, just credit. I used credit to pay for food, whatever I wanted. All cash I had would go to gambling. When I would win, I would sometimes pay off a large amount of credit. Then go play all of my money again and charge all of my credit back up. A never ending cycle that I somehow convinced myself I had control of because I never went without. It escalated to me pulling money off my credit lines to gamble with. All I could think about was sitting in front of the machine and becoming a zombie and not having to think about anything because the reality of my financial situation was too horrifying for me to bear and accept.  I lived in this shameful cycle for quite some time until one day my credit lines were maxed out. I would apply for more credit and could not be approved as easily as it once was. My credit score plummeted due to credit utilization. I started getting payday loans to try to maintain living above my means as I had been without realizing (I was so stressed and in complete denial and spent every dollar I could in desperation for any form of dopamine I could get wether it be convenient food, online shopping, gambling, whatever). I have loans with 299% APR because I was stupid enough to let loan sharks get a hold of me. I even became obsessed with things as stupid as Monopoly GO, anything to distract me from my reality. I’ve totaled up what I spent on that ridiculous game and came up with a horrifying and shameful $6,400 in the past year. I now have nothing. At all. I’m in so much debt. I am short on my bills every time I get paid and have to continue borrowing money to pay my bills. I was able to consolidate portions of my debt but it wasn’t enough to help. I can’t live in denial anymore, I’m drowning. I have nothing to distract me and I’m finally sitting in the steaming hot pile of **** I left for myself. I hate myself. I can’t breathe. I need help. Please. I need to alleviate some of my debt if I ever want to get to a better place financially and mentally. I lost a war with myself and I’m out of options. My gambling addiction, fueled by stress – has ended up causing more stress than I can ever handle or bear. I can’t believe what I have done to myself. I have to live with the consequences of my actions every day – every time I get paid – every time I decide which bills I can and can’t pay this month – every time I have to ask a family member for money again. The sad part is I’m making the most money I have ever made. I have worked myself up to managing that casino, which is also a huge stressor in my life and the most stressful job I have had. It’s STILL not enough to help the mountain of debt I have created for myself. I go to work every day and pretend like everything is ok and I’m a normal-functioning person but I’m NOT. NOTHING is ok. I don’t know how much longer I can go before I end up in a mental institution at this point. I can’t even think straight anymore. I’m far from who I was once. This is the darkest place in my life that I have ever been. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know how much longer I can manage.